I know someone whose mom tried to abort them when she was in early pregnancy.  She was an unwed mother who was abandoned by her boyfriend once he found out about the pregnancy.  She was devastated, so deeply hurt that anger came rushing in.  She took it out on the forming baby but was unsuccessful.  This was back when abortion was taboo still in this country.  She couldn’t help herself from taking her anger towards the baby’s father out on the baby once she was born as she was a constant reminder of lost love, betrayal and abandonment.  As the child grew there was a deep sense of not being wanted or loved which created great insecurity compounded by abuse physically, emotionally and sexually.  Rejection and abandonment by her mother drove fear deep into her heart.

This child did come to know the Lord as Creator and Savior.  She remembers looking forward to the bus that would pick up children for vacation Bible school because she loved to hear the stories of Jesus.  That childlike faith would be tested severely in the many years to follow where her heart would be assaulted time and again.  Her memories of the past would fuel deep insecurity driving her to feel like she had to justify her very existence.  Truly believing in her heart that God loved her, wanted her and chose her for His own was difficult at best.  She tried to believe in grace but still found herself trying to be good enough to please God.  There was a certain dread of doom that would be her constant companion driving her to try to succeed.  Success would allude her in part because it cannot fill the need of belonging and unconditional love that only God can satisfy.  She couldn’t share this with many because few understand that depth of pain and struggle.  Even fewer know how to minister to someone in that situation without adding to the feeling of never being able to have enough faith and therefore not able to measure up.  She read the Bible and prayed regularly but somehow could not apply the Word to the deep wounds of her heart though she sure tried.  (Now, it is critically important to be in the Word for the Holy Spirit will work the Truth of God into those deep painful areas when we are able to face them with Him.  Prayer is vital too, but we need to learn to listen to the Lord apply His truth to our heart.)  Many times her prayers involved begging God for forgiveness of the same sins confessed over and over.  Where was the peace and joy the Bible talks about?  That peace and joy started coming as the Lord has helped her start receiving His Word in the deeper wounds of her heart.  One of the biggest lies her heart believed her whole life was that she really didn’t belong anywhere to anyone.  She could quote Bible verses saying she was an adopted child of God through faith in Jesus but that wouldn’t impress her heart for long.  One day in prayer in her heart she heard, “You are Mine.”  This was repeated over and over so she couldn’t ignore it or brush it off.  This was the Lord speaking His truth to a very painful memory.  The tears would soon cease as the strong thought came to her, “I belong to the Lord!”  I haven’t used her name or initials like I usually do because she does not want that information out there yet for fear of being judged and misunderstood.  However, she does welcome prayer for further healing.

Jesus came to bear our sin and heal our hearts that we would be conformed to the likeness of His Son and be vessels He can touch the lives of others through: “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent Me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor…” Isaiah 61:1,2a; Luke 4:18,19.

Sarah is in real need of the Lord ministering His Word to her heart.  She is afraid to do anything toward following Him as she believes He is standing back letting the devil attack and take everything she loves away from her.  She believes He wants to see how much more she can suffer.  She is tired and it’s not worth following Him.  That just totally pains me.  Her heart is closed so I cannot speak into anything she is saying right now.  I am reminded by the Lord that He is in control, He has helped me out of my deep pits and I am to pray for and love her, which I will do.  God’s love and faithfulness is greater and deeper than our deepest pit!!!  Thank you for your prayers for Sarah and the many others I have mentioned in past updates!!!!

Thank you for your support in prayer and finances as the Lord leads and provides!!!!  May your Christmas be a time renewal in the Lord!!!